The other day, a married woman wrote a heartfelt letter to the single ladies advising them to leave their men alone. Oma Ogbodo has got a different view to the entire concept of the relationship issue raised by the concerned woman.
Read Oma’s thought below….
My first thought on reading this piece “Leave our Men Alone” was; “mehn, this is so stupid!” And even though I have had more time to think about it, that opinion has not really changed. The writer has made some valid points, but what has been left unsaid is so much weightier than what has been said. Half truths are mostly more dangerous than ignorance.
Extra marital relationships don’t just happen. Men don’t just wake up and cheat on their wives. Women don’t just decide to cheat on their husbands. Such extra marital relationships are symptoms of bigger issues including possibly the breakdown of the love relationship between a couple which leads one or both parties to seek whatever it is that they seek outside. And I believe it is stupid to place the blame entirely on the outside party who owes you nothing rather than dealing with the one who owes you loyalty and honor.
The problem is not the single lady; the problem is the husband and his lack of integrity, responsibility and morals. Married men don’t just cheat with single ladies; they also cheat with other married women. As a matter of fact, an older married woman told me once that married men, who chase after her, tell her she’s safer to date than single ladies because she also has a marriage to preserve. So they believe she will be less likely to make unreasonable demands or pose a threat to their marriages.
And it is usually the men who go chasing after these women. Not matter how much we shout and cry, for every man looking for extra marital sexual gratification, there will always be a woman willing to indulge him. And this applies to both men who are inside and outside marriage. If it is not the single lady, it will be the married woman or even the commercial sex worker. And in the real sense of it, what is the difference between the single lady sleeping with a married man and the single lady sleeping with a single man? None of them are married to the men they are sleeping with.
The core of this problem is societal, cultural and moral. We have a value system that teaches men that they are entitled to certain things. It starts from the family where they are treated differently from females. Parents set different moral standards for their sons and indulge them more because they are male. So the males grow into selfish and just-that-little-bit-arrogant people who believe that they are somehow superior to women. It is this same sense of entitlement and superiority that leads to physical and sexual abuse of women such as rape. Some men just don’t believe they should take no for an answer.
Society would hail a man who successfully juggles three or four female lovers but condemn the lady who is seen around town with more than one man no matter the nature of their relationship. Family members, (male and female) would help a man lie and manipulate his girlfriends but cannot even imagine doing same for a female. You know the young lady your brother or male friend is gallivanting all over town with is not his wife but you would never think of telling on him or even cautioning him. Just as you would not hesitate to tell on a female friend doing the same. Women are expected to come to the marriage bed as virgins, but it really doesn’t matter for men.
Is it any wonder then that males believe they are ‘polygamous in nature’? Is it any wonder they think it is their right to have as many women as they can successfully juggle? When you were dating that man you married, did you honestly believe you were the only woman in his life? Rather than seeing the fact that he was double dating or triple dating or even hundred dating as a sign of disrespect to all you women in his life, you thought it was survival of the fittest, let the best woman win or clash of the titans.
So you scrubbed and you cooked and you took the little insults that just hurt your heart. You fought with other ladies and schemed and fasted and prayed and finally won the wedding band. And reinforced his belief that he is entitled to women fighting over him. My question is; what is the difference between the cheating single man and the cheating husband you now have? A ceremony before a priest and a party afterwards. Did you expect that to change him into something he was not before your wedding? Was that enough to transform his moral values? I think not.
Am I disrespecting the marriage institution? No. Definitely not. But we tend to forget that the way we attain a thing is the same way we will have to sustain it. So the young lady who was sleeping with a man before marriage, the one who was even pregnant on her wedding day, the woman who had ‘help’ from a native doctor or a prophet to hook a man, the one who trapped a man with pregnancy, the one who schemed her way into his life or betrayed a friend to get him etc are all finally married. Good and fine. Except none of them considered God’s values in their marriage process. But then, when faced with a challenge in their marriages, they start to disturb the entire neighborhood in the middle of the night in the name of prayers.
They forget that the God they are praying to is the same God who knows all things even the hidden things in your heart. I can imagine God turning to angel Michael and asking, “Wait a minute, what is she talking about? Why is she saying I joined them? That man was meant for Jennifer but she schemed herself into his life and now she’s accusing me of joining them?” Indeed, not all marriages are joined by God. The fact that you are married before man does not mean you are married before God. If God has joined your marriage, then no man can truly put you asunder.
And if truth be told, sometimes married women chase their husbands right into the arms of women who are waiting outside. Many women see marriage as a destination rather than the start of a new journey. So once they get married, they stop making the effort to make their relationship work. They dress sloppily, they nag and generally behave with a nonchalant attitude towards their husbands, forgetting that there are many women out there willing to treat him like a king.
Am I saying it is okay for single ladies to sleep with married men? Absolutely not. I think that is the most absolutely stupid thing for a single lady to do. You deserve so much more than a cheating married man. If he has no respect for his wife, then he has no respect for you either. You deserve a man who loves, respects and honors you. You deserve a man who can proudly stand beside you and tell the entire world, ‘she is my woman and I love her.” No married man can give you that.
Besides, these married men don’t really care about you. You are just someone to sleep with and hang out with while he has issues with his wife. They don’t really want to leave their wives for you. If you doubt me, start a persistent campaign to make him leave his wife and you will see how fast he will disappear from your life. You are just a stroke to his ego, a reassurance that he is still the man who can get any woman he wants. The stories he tells you about his wife are just that- stories that touch the heart. They are intended to melt your resistance and win your sympathy to his cause. Don’t debase yourself by making yourself a plaything for a selfish man whose only interest is getting between your legs. I was single long enough to know that the pressure can be intense but it is really in your best interest to hold on to your dignity and self respect. Wait for your own man.
All said, if we want to get the right results, we must do the right things. And this must start by teaching our children (male and female), right values and God’s standards.
By Oma Ogbodo.